Well, that dare down was a dud ;) (goals, and life)
|August 15, 2017||Posted by Aileen Sabira under Cancer, Compassion, Creativity, emotional honesty, Healing|
So, I dared myself to write. Daily. Aannnd ~ nope. Didn’t happen. (and this was written back in 2016 originally, for perspective ~ and just reworking and publishing now …)
I could go and beat myself up about it. And I did for a time. The guilt, the shaming. Old familiar patterns. So I breathed in as I became aware, and started asking myself “what else is here?”
And I came to goals. And how giving yourself a throw down doesn’t have to be a bad thing. And if you dud, “fail”, do a big belly flop in your attempt to go bigger and even in a lovely public way in a public forum of a blog, what then? Is it truly a FAILURE?!
Maybe not. Maybe it is about assessing goals, and what about them didn’t work. And why. What else is going on that may have made that goal not work? Throw down, dare, goal, they are the same with some different energies and expectations in them. They are about setting a bar, and going for it. The important thing is then assessing what works and doesn’t, so new goals can be made. Charts corrected, courses adjusted.
I realized that I have had SO MUCH in my mind and heart with my Dad and his cancer journey. I am never quite sure what is mine to share in this world, how best to help others. As it is a public blog, that means others can read it, including my family. What is helpful, what is mine to process out, how and when best to do that? Some may be other art forms than writing. Some may be calls to go deeper, and ripping off the surface and emotions may not be needed in the final journey, and may hurt others along the way. I see much of that in our world right now, the blaming and attacking, making others wrong for being different. It doesn’t help, it definitely hurts, it can even lead to death ~ whether literal or of the heart and soul, or all of the above.
So, assessing ~
Too big an expectation of myself. With SO much going on, sometimes I can barely keep my head above water. Depression nips at my feet, and threatens to overcome in waves. And I work to focus myself into positive energy when I can, do what feels good, right, loving and honoring of myself and others.
And sometimes, I just “brain drain” on some good TV shows. Game of Thrones, I need you!! Seriously, when in my gut, my intuitive knowing, I KNEW something serious was coming down the pike for my Dad, and knew I had a cancer scare for me as well, all my great coping skills and healing knowledge as a healer and an artist went out the window. Days before he had the colonoscopy that said yes, my Dad had colon cancer, I couldn’t process. Couldn’t hike, couldn’t write, could do nothing but sit in a stupor and allow myself to feel fear, to feel numb, to just BE in it and with it. And then I thought, “what’s a show everyone said is GREAT that I haven’t watched yet?” And I found Game of Thrones.
I realize, in retrospect, I was about to engage in my own fight against the White Walkers …https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vuk–ivQRks
It suited my needs to be totally involved in something, away from the regular experiences. Yet there were themes that matched ~ fighting for right, victims overcoming, sometimes not. Power struggles. Add in great acting and effects, as an artist I was hooked. Not necessarily proud to admit I binged SO HARD that I watched all five seasons in about two to three weeks. Yes, that is 50 episodes. OVERLOADED. Closest to crawling into a hole away from others that I could.
And now, life moves on. Dad has been doing chemo since 8/25, after a successful liver resection surgery on 7/25. It is hard on him. And me ~ so many triggers, what with his treatments, my own cancer scare and surgery that had me out of work for two months. Thankfully it WASN’T ovarian cancer. Very grateful. Opted for a more extensive surgery to assure less risk. I can’t handle more right now. I am at peace with my decision. I know it was the right thing to do.
So ~ assess ~ there is LOTS going on in life .. I know often the best way to get followers of a blog is to do it on the same days. Realistically, not the best goal right now. The best goal is to MOVE when my heart says to move, WRITE when it says to write, CREATE in any way that my heart says CREATE. And I am good with that. Compassion must begin with ourselves. And something I really need right now. I think we all do …
Let’s do this life. It’s all we have …