Been Away Too Long….
|April 25, 2014||Posted by Aileen Sabira under Breast Cancer, Cancer, Communication, Community, Connected, Connections, Consciousness, Creativity, emotional honesty, Grief and Loss, Healing, Trauma and Trauma Healing|
Sorry it’s been so long …. Been deep in the depths of it ….. and though writing helps, I haven’t been writing, at least not on my blog.
Short update ~ more friends died, including two old dear friends from my dinner theatre days at the Harlequin that died in mid December. I got to visit Connie in the ICU. If anyone could pull it back from the brink, I thought it would be her. I had written, but hadn’t seen her in ages. She was so visibly moved to see me, and she squeezed my hand SO hard, for SO long, I thought I might get a new lymphedema episode. But the contact was so crucial and vital, I couldn’t speak…… When I found she died, I was devastated. My gut knew it was cancer well before the doctors told her husband, but I just wasn’t sure you know? And Tuckey died the next day. This was the same weekend my mother fell and was in the ICU, and had broken her hip, elbow and wrist. Overloaded doesn’t quite describe the melt down in my heart……
I was also under a disability review and appeal process. At a time with PTSD and anxiety were at an all time high. I had a friend threaten to check me in to Shepherd Pratt, the local mental health facility. And it could have been valid. It has been that dark. And I was late at work often, which got me in trouble.I was on overload, in pain, worn…….Can we say S TRESS much?!
Before mom came home from the hospital, a long journey to rehab my mouth that has been massively damaged from chemo began. In one month, I had five fillings done (including one that should have been done right at the dental school of University of MD, and it wasn’t, just about two years prior…..). A crown that had to be opened and adjusted twice, the second time a fluke and the temporary crown was exposing the root. Yeah, ouch. Then the day I got the permanent crown on that tooth, I had to go for a root canal at noon, 8 am crown. Yeah, PHEW! Much more dental work to go. Holding that God willing by the end of the year or so I will have a healthy and functional mouth. But it’s been a LOT. And all the work activated the TMJ, and my mouth was seizing in the middle of the night. Pain killers, muscle relaxants ~ for a light weight that almost never does drugs, I was looped….. working to slow down that whole process. It was just way too much for me.
I’m sure I’ve missed some important things in there. Mom had pneumonia while in the nursing home for rehab. She was there for three months. She’s home now, thank God. Still a ways to go on healing. I worry, I can’t help it. Too many things I’ve seen to not have me worry……
Now another friend in a support group died, beautiful Kady. Two friends died within days of each other in October from my other young survivors group. Missing the bright lights of Shari and Sheryl often. And, I’m still here……Working to crawl up out of the hole and darkness and welcome the moments of living that I have….. It’s definitely a work in progress…..
It’s time to start writing more. I’m getting feedback that when I do, it helps people. I’m about change, health, consciousness, evolution. And it seems a large part of mine is intertwined with helping others with theirs as well. So, I’m back. And will do my best to explore this realm of communication, connection and community in the internet/blogging world ~ while I dive deeper to the PTSD, depression and anxiety healing. And craft as best as I can a life that I love somehow, some day. I must move soon, and am praying deeply for my own home. I need to live alone for awhile, for my heart, my health, my evolution, my sanity as I dive deeper to the darkness to open more to light……
And I have disability for now. It is a year retroactive to when it ended in December. So, not very long for MAJOR changes and healing around the dark spaces, and creating a life of sustainability. A lot to come in changes, inner and outer. More art work, God willing. And I welcome you to explore these places with me. And be in the exploration of what it is to support ourselves and each other in being who we really are and are meant to be. And what is it that gets in the way, or tells us we’re not that, or anything BUT that……..