A Love Letter to My Body (a synchro-blog response for SheLoves/Magazine.com)
|July 27, 2012||Posted by Aileen Sabira under About Aileen, Breast Cancer, Cancer, Caring, Communication, Community, Compassion, Connected, Connections, Consciousness, Creativity, emotional honesty, Gratitude, Healing, spirituality, Trauma and Trauma Healing|
When I stumbled across a link to this amazing blog post by Meghan Gahan on SheLoves/Magazine.com, that my beautiful friend Lish had shared on Facebook ~ well, I had such a raw visceral response it stunned me. I had such a pressing urge to write, and be linked into this beautiful, raw, honest, vulnerable community of women in the ethers. Wanting to respect the original deadline, yet honor my heart, I reached out to Meghan. Gratefully she graciously encouraged me linking in to the blog ~ so, (big intake of breath….) here goes …..
I’m sorry, Please Forgive Me, I love you, THANK YOU ~
These are the words used in Ho’oponopono, and they fit. Because you’ve been with me through it all. And I’ve not always appreciated you. Loved you? Far from it. Conscious of you? Sometimes, not hardly …..
Disassociated for so long, lacking grounding in you, present to you ….. You’ve been so patient. Waiting for me to come back. Check in. From so many traumas it seems hard to recount……
When I was so small, being touched in ways that really just shouldn’t happen to a little girl, I found ways to go anywhere but here, anywhere but stay with you. I was scared of you, whatever made him think it was okay to have him act as if it was acceptable to do that. As if it were your fault…..And come home, BE in you, FEEL? Hardly. That’s been a long time in coming …. and, you’ve waited, patiently, holding space for me to come back ….
I got older by a few years …. there was fun and silliness at times. God I loved how it felt to run with you, play with the dogs, feel the wind, for a bit, to be with you …. and then we moved ….. it can be so hard, to be a young girl in a new neighborhood….
And I may never know why ~ but sometime along the way, in that first year, as I struggled to fit in, some girls decided to jump you/us, beating you into the pavement. The oldest sitting on my stomach, strangling you, anger seething out of her, each punch landing on your sweet face, and your body, as you struggled, thrashing, trying to stay, being pinned on the pavement like Christ on the cross, nowhere to go but take it…. and you did ….. trying to keep me here …. I had to leave you again ….. but somehow, you stayed alive …..with bruises and cuts, a concussion so severe I’ve realized now it was a traumatic brain injury, because I couldn’t even stand to be around lights or noises for weeks …… and somehow, you were still here ……
I’m sorry, Please Forgive Me, I love you, THANK YOU ~
And then the bullying started in junior high ~ ongoing, non-stop, everywhere I turned nasty names whore, slut, bitch for a year straight (sadly, no, bullying is not new……what an overload to this good innocent Catholic girl back then)……. the dirty pictures, emotional assaults …. you trudged on, shielding me, protecting me, even when I had no idea you were there, what you were doing, when I wanted, I begged, I prayed to leave this world……
Many years held back from being, feeling, connecting, disconnecting from you and this world …. drawn to the arts, a way to connect, be, express, LIVE, FEEL ~ you took me pushing you, dancing fiercely, pushing the limits, leaping, jumping, pounding ….. you reveled in being used, embracing your power…… I sang, trying to find my voice, reveling in the power that voice can give …..
The hardest was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer ….. all my escaping from you caught up to me, it seemed ~ no way I could avoid this, this feeling, most traumatic experience, the hardest thing I would ever face, those desires to get off this planet, out of you, anywhere but here, well, yeah, they finally came full force …. stage IIIA, 50% chance of being here in 5 years I found out at the END of treatments, you almost trying to push it out of me before I got diagnosed, sticking out of my chest like a mottled orange, painful to be with you, so painful…..
And ~ you stayed. You fought for me, even when my heart couldn’t be in it, the pain so intense from surgeries. Not getting it all the first time, having to go back under the knife again …… The chemo practically killing you, trying to keep what was left of me alive as the battle raged with cancer. Hammering you with toxins, killing you to try to save you. Radiation, burning you straight through to your back, blisters all around, every day for 7 weeks. Almost two full months of daily burns…..
Yet that battle image was so hard for me to embrace ….. some part of me knew you were doing this for me ~ though when I almost had to stop chemo, the plans changed, my nerves beginning to sustain possibly permanent damage ~ I had to slow the pace, that was the first time I began to feel you might have failed me. Not even the diagnosis brought that. But even then, I just couldn’t get myself to hate you outright. You’d been through so much, with me through it all, even when I wasn’t with myself ….
I’ve been frustrated with you during the journey. The ups and downs in weight due to treatments, losing the body I knew. The many changes, from hair (okay, I’ve grown to love my rock star goddess hair, and it’s all I can seem to do with it so that’s good!) 😉 but it’s been a lot, the hair, the body changes, the aches, the ongoing pains from the surgery site and the radiation, the strength changes, having almost no energy at times, the lymphedema and having to watch what I do, the teeth cracking and breaking, losing fillings, vision changes, and most of all, the changes to my voice. I couldn’t sing for years, the pain excruciating. Not wanting to do permanent damage, I had to stop. Thankfully, I’m just starting to be able to find and sing my song again…..
You. Powerful, beautiful, fierce YOU. Flesh of my flesh, bones of my bones. The essence of all of me in physical form. You waited. So lovingly, patiently. For me to come home. To be fully myself. I gave you so much hate and self-immolation. And all you did was give me love. Patience. Acceptance. Forgiveness too. You knew that was all surface, response to a life that was sometimes feeling just too hard to live.
And now, it’s 7 years since you were told you had breast cancer. Recognizing how far we’ve come, learning, evolving, releasing, FEELING IT ALL …. And you know what? I love you. I choose you. And not only do I want to stay with you, but I think I’m ready to really believe we’re going to be here for a long, long time ~ together ~ UNIFIED ~
God, I LOVE YOU! My fierce little Celtic Warrior Goddess form. Strong legs, powerful. Capable to run, kick, jump for JOY! All of me ready to dance in wild abandon, passionate and free ……My arms, made to embrace the world, hug, touch as God’s representation. I can choose that. You waited for me to live into that ~ THANK YOU! My Irish freckled skin that sometimes only seems to look tanned when all your freckles run together ~ you’re kinda cute, you know 😉
And so many thoughts, you just created the thoughts and feelings I held in my my mind and heart, in my body. I am in awe. You are amazing. You teach me. When I feel, you teach me what is going on in my deepest inner realms. Aches and pains teach me my pace in this world, too fast or too slow? I will gauge my pace based on your needs. You will protect me when I listen. There is no “just” my mind, my thoughts, my heart, my body. You ARE EVERYTHING. How could I have missed that? I knew, deep down. It has driven my passion for the arts, the living of essence, the expression of LIFE..
Your patience and persistence blow me away. I now realize, as I write, you have been my most personal and palpable presence of the Divine. YOU. My beloved body. You have held my being, been my vessel, cradled my scared and weary heart and soul, loved me into being in a way no one or nothing else has ~ or could. You are mine. I am yours. As with the Divine ~ there IS ~ NO SEPARATION ~ just being. There is no YOU/body then me/the rest of me. We are ONE!!!! I am ONENESS!!!! Sweet, palpable, as the gentle intake of breath, awe struck as I am…… Ever flowing love as the blood that courses through my veins. Supportive as the bones that stand no longer denied. Powerful as the muscles, ready to spring forward to my next adventure. Tender as the eyes that look at this body, this world, my life, with love, compassion, and kindness. Soft as the lips that caress every word as I speak words that must be spoken. And in the stillness, I call your name. LOVE. I live your name. LOVE.
Thank you, so much, Erin, for this opportunity. To witness to the evolution of my life. To see what my heart/soul/BEING were calling to express. And I encourage each of you reading this ~ please share your own love letter to your body below ~ whether a link to your own blog, or just the words that pour forth from your own heart and soul as you read this. It will, I promise, be the most magical experience you can give yourself (oh, and by the way, this call goes out to men too ~ as it speaks to your own being……) Allowing my fingers to type the love transmissions from my heart ~ Ever and always ~ Aileen Sabira LOVE.