I was sitting with Felicia some time back. She was more cognizant in her presence to this world at that time. Still not as able to communicate with words (at times yes, at times, just incredibly and deeply with her heart, her eyes, her being, sensing, listening deeply to her and asking questions to help know what it is she wishes to convey…..). I had been chanting some Buddhist chants. Her family was in the other room watching a movie I hope to see soon, a movie called  The Way  Martin Sheen is following “The Way of St. James”, to honor his son’s desire to make that journey. It feels like a movie filled with profound insight, extreme laughter at times (which was SO good to hear, with this gorgeous family moving with so much) ~ just a great movie on many levels.

And as I sat with her, this song came on over the soundtrack ~

And I started to cry. And cry. And laugh. And cry. And laugh. A mix of emotions, tidal waves surging, deep releasing of old holding places, opening to more and more and GRATITUDE ~ such deep, deep gratitude. Felicia looked at me quizzically ~ and as I was wiping the continual stream of tears down my face, I said “oh my God ~ I’m SO GLAD. SO glad he left me!” Because in that moment there was the hugest awareness, consciousness, of deeper realities. That if my ex had not left me after cancer treatments (which was incredibly painful at the time, and made me hesitant to open in many ways, no kidding, really? I wonder why! But really, in the Divine, though it can be hard to be patient it IS all perfect ~ I can get that so much more deeply now!) And I realized ~ I don’t even know if I would have met Felicia had we stayed together. She came into my life when I moved back to Frederick County. In a place of deep healing, deep exploration. And then SO MUCH that wouldn’t have happened ……

We met at the Blue Elephant Gallery. Chris Bransome, in his wonderfully cryptic way of communicating at times, said mysteriously “you two have a lot to talk about” as he introduced us. We were looking at a piece of art, something that made us both stop, on the walls. Waiting I believe for the first of our WIGS (Women’s Inspiration Group) meetings. I am SO grateful for beautiful Deb Clark and her inspiration to begin that group ~ just openness, exploration, and deep loving female support. We laughed, said it was better than a support group. And it was.

So, we chatted. Found a resonance. Interests in various art forms, process, emotional and spiritual work. Then realized we both had cancer. Then that they were high stages, then, that we were diagnosed within a week of each other in 2005. How crazy is THAT?! We have had an unspoken at times deep soul bond since.

And, if all of life hadn’t transpired as it has, I would never have had this amazing, lusciously crazy talented and inspiring woman in my life. A woman I have grown to love with my whole heart, who got into my heart and soul when I wasn’t looking and thought I was keeping it shut (and I couldn’t even try to with her, such a joyous, gentle, creative and amazing presence she has held), who has loved me and accepted me unconditionally without judgment, something very few have (thanks to PTSD wiring and what I have discovered has been a huge severe anxiety to even be around people, and many other aspects of PTSD, and I understand that SO much better now ~ and in large part due to her loving presence, as well as SE work, have hugely changed……).

But this profound and beautiful gift of Felicia I would not have had, had my ex not left right after treatments…. and the cascades of more awarenesses ~ I wouldn’t have gone on that retreat on the coast of Maine, the one that opened me to deeper levels of expression, connection, communication in Spirit and Creativity with poetry and photography, always deep passions but never fully opened to or pursued. I wouldn’t have had my solo photo show, or made my first photo book  Journey to Light  (both, on the Journey to Light, on the healing after traditional breast cancer treatments ended)  I wouldn’t have started this wild and crazy mix of sound healing/improvisation that I am doing

there is just SO much that wouldn’t have been happening in my life……

I wouldn’t have found the profound healing that I have found in Somatic Experiencing ~ work that I hope to train in, that has deeply and profoundly been changing my life. Helping me stay present, fully present, in ways I just never could before. Part of what has I believe helped me stay alive this long, and in more real, healthy, gentle ways. Discharging incredible memories in my bodies from multiple severe traumas. Bullying, beatings, abuses. I wouldn’t have found the spiritual path I am on, one that I also deeply credit with my life. The healing I have received on this path I can not fully describe. It teaches me how to be in the space of love, mercy, compassion in ways that really make a difference in the daily living of life. I wouldn’t be opening my heart ever wider and deeper every day ~ to life, to others, to the Divine, to myself in ways I never imagined. Coming to places of deep peace, love, joy ~ just in the being of life ……

I am grateful. SO crazy grateful. Am I “perfect” “”HAPPY”" all the time? No. Am I real? Honest? Joyous and grateful in really deep, integral, feel into my bones sorts of ways? YES. I am in many ways in some of the best places in my being I’ve ever been in my life. And it ALL had to happen in the way it has to get me here. Do I want cancer again? No. Do I really wish I could say Felicia could stay and it would happen? Absolutely. But I have learned places of deep surrender, gratitude, the big Thank You’s in life. In those spaces, huge HUGE places of healing occur. I believe that deeply. So, ever, ever deepening to gratitude. To THANK YOU. Really ………

*************************

Here are the lyrics to the song ~

How ’bout getting off these antibiotics
How ’bout stopping eating when I’m full up
How ’bout them transparent dangling carrots
How ’bout that ever elusive kudos

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How ’bout me not blaming you for everything
How ’bout me enjoying the moment for once
How ’bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How ’bout taking you upon your support

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down

How ’bout professing just how much you love me
How ’bout taking him up on a back-massage
How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How ’bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How ’bout no longer being masochistic
How ’bout remembering your divinity
How ’bout reflecting each-other in our last splendor
How ’bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you clarity
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

********************

So, I have to ask ~ what might you be grateful for? Deeply thankful in wild unimagined ways? Maybe something that was originally a really horrific no I never wanted this are you crazy I’ll be grateful for THIS kinds of ways? (yes, I had someone pull me aside right after I got diagnosed, and he said “you know, all the most amazing things that Lance did he accomplished AFTER he had cancer”. A part of me thought “really? I’m SO not up for this cheer me up thing, I have no idea what’s happening here!” and yet, those words and encouragement kept coming back to me, thank you Tomas for that!) Because really, some of the coolest most amazing things I am doing, and am yet to do I am sure, are happening  AFTER  I got diagnosed with cancer, with PTSD/depression/anxiety, and have swum through some of the most challenging waters one could ever imagine …..

So ~ what are you thankful for? How have you found the Light in/through/from the Darkness? I’d love to know. Please share here in the blog post, so we can all encourage and inspire each other. And ~ Thank You.

My heart is up and down, more later on some gorgeous openings from my visit with her last week ~ her soul is always so amazing, so giving, so expanding for anyone who is blessed to be near her or know her. So, please enjoy this poem ~ let it move you and open you, much as knowing her has moved and opened me ~

ONE TEARDROP (for Felicia)

One teardrop
Trickling down her cheek
Is all that it takes
A gateway to her heart and soul
To know the pain
Of grief and loss
Of a gorgeous life being cut WAY TOO SHORT
The sadness, loss, and longing
To see things she will never see ~
her daughter’s first date
the excitement as she graduates high school
chooses colleges
walks down the aisle
continues the cycle in the birth of her first child
Things Felicia will never see or know
Leaving her loving husband
Close knit and passionate family
Friends that adore her
All of whom bear witness to the fact
Of her dying
Lying practically motionless in the hospital bed
Stroke rendering this gorgeous, vibrant woman
Speechless and immobile
Unable to voice the deepest stirrings
Aches and feelings unheard
And the only expression
The only way we know
Is the single teardrop
Streaming down her face.

(c) Aileen Sabira Geraghty, All Rights Reserved
January 8, 2012

I am in deep places, those often beyond words places. Or sometimes words that come, and feelings, fast and furious, hard to slow them down so they can fully BE, and fully clear. Works in progress, all of us, myself included ~

I was on the way out to see Felicia, and my SE therapist (healers always need to be in their own clearing work to stay healthy, unpacking much ~) 2 weeks ago. This blog has been cooking that long, so bear with me, the threads will cross time at times (and, as many believe, time is not linear but relative, many more blogs possible on that!) trusting in the unfolding as I learn my own way in this world called “blogosphere”

I was driving to Frederick, in the gorgeous sunshine. Yet my heart didn’t feel much like sunshine. I’d had a powerful time in New Orleans for the C4YW (Conference for Young Women <breast cancer survivors>). Finally got to meet some of my beautiful “sistahs” from my online support group. Been praying a lot for one friend ~ and soon as we got back, she got results from her latest tests. She’s been stage IV for some time. (actually was part of having a dream come true fun thing for her, more on *that* in another post as well ~) and she found out the most recent chemo wasn’t working. Again. And Felicia has been beginning her process of dying for some time, and I’ve been sensing it would speed up a bit. And it has ~

And as I was driving, “God” by Tori Amos came on. It rolled up all the feelings, the anger, the frustration, the questioning places, in one powerful 5 minutes or so ball of sound, booming through the radio air waves and frequencies vibrating my being (oh, and yes, I blast the stereo THAT LOUD when it’s a rough edge, if you see a little silver car bopping down the road, I’m either way happy or way in the cook)

And I thought ~ really thought ~ why? I mean why are we so afraid to be ANGRY with GOD?! I can struggle with that edge, even though I very, very strongly disagree with the “spiritual bypass”, the places where we instantly say “it’s all good”. It’s awesome if your faith is SO STRONG that you really, really believe that instantly. More power to you. And, many of us still have these, well, human edges about us. I do. Powerfully so at times. And I am working to be as honest as humanly possibly (I like to say life is meant to be lived as brutally honestly with ourselves as possible, with the utmost in love, compassion, mercy, acceptance, and kindness.) Because I believe we have to be that honest, or else we really can’t get to a real, true, deep place of spiritual goodness, to really, really feel that peace that is possible in it all……

And here was this song, oh Cosmic DJ  here you are, hearing me again, getting me exactly where I am. And that’s part of what I’m getting at ~ and it can be hard for me even to really “grock” this ~ we don’t need to move. Do ANYTHING. It’s not our job to go “after” God, be anything or anyone other than exactly who we are in THIS MOMENT. To say, “here I am, right here, right now. I feel mad, angry, hurt, worried…..please, meet me HERE!.

And the most amazingly magical thing happens. I call it a trap door to take us down, further, to what is really real for us, in deeper levels in the heart and soul. Well, maybe I’m not mad, well, maybe I am. That a young woman can die so painfully, leaving a gorgeous 10 year old daughter to find her own way. Though I really believe we have soul agreements, the human parts of me struggle. But, what if under the anger is say, fear? Oh, yeah, we’re getting somewhere ~ like “oh my God, and we were diagnosed so close to each other” and all the other human worries….okay God, meet me HERE. And so it goes, deeper and deeper ……

And where did we all get this? Some is cultural conditioning, or our faith. Some I believe is just a very deeply human part of us, a worrying about things bigger than us, that we can’t control types of places. And why do we think God will only love us if we’re perfect, smiling, whatever those pictures are of what we THINK is faith? Here to tell you ~ at least in my opinion ~ it’s really, really not true. We’re broken at times. Sometimes powerful, sometimes so raw and vulnerable in our humanness that it can be downright scary, overwhelming …….

Then, after seeing my SE therapist, a powerful visit with Felicia, I came driving home. And another song I love, Amy Grant’s newest song, Better than an Hallelujah  came on. It’s hard to describe ~ but oh, so perfect in the process, that our cries are better than an hallelujah. Really. We’re real, we’re raw, we’re here. And that’s all that’s asked ~

Tell me, where are you? What might you need to get honest about to go deeper? What is your Hallelujah today? loving you into yourself ~ Aileen Sabira

Hello ~ wow, I need to get better on getting the hang of this blogging thing! Or, as I believe, I post when I’m meant to, even if it isn’t chronologically   And there will be, I’m sure, more posted in that way …..

So ~ I got to sing the National Anthem. I was SO scared! I realized it was one of the first times in a very long time that I sang something memorized. And this was after Steven Tyler sang a National Anthem that brought strong mixed reviews…. To be fair, he’s a rock and roll singer. Usually backed by a powerful band, and has made his name in singing from wailing it out, screeching at times. Rock can be rough vocally, on the singer and the ears at times.  But the scurry on the web in comments after he sang just got me shivering! If you missed it, here’s his version for the football championships this year ~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHb66ZNKv5w

So, I was nervous! And grateful. It felt so very, very huge to be singing a challenging song, and at an event that was a fund raiser for a wonderful cancer charity, The Cancer Support Foundation.

This is a wonderful organization started by two cancer survivors in the state of Maryland. I have personally connected with their director Cindy Carter numerous times, both for myself and to refer many friends and acquaintances. She has helped ALL of us in some way. They help no matter what the cancer type, or even how far out from treatments you are. I have nothing but gratitude and praise for her, and her organization. They help with living expenses, navigation of resources and treatments, many things no other organization does. And not just for one type of cancer, which means a lot to me. For many feel left out.

It was for the Bay Area Shuckers  a professional basketball team in Annapolis, MD. I was SO glad that most of the people were behind me, the flag in front of me! I asked one of their young team helpers to film for me ~ so I apologize, I removed as much shaking in the video as I could. But I had many ask me to record it, as they’d not seen me sing before. It’s something I’m returning to, singing. It is something it seems I really am meant to do.

It felt perfect to sing a challenging song, in honor of the challenges all survivors face. It’s like one of the biggest events, fights, challenges anyone can ever face. And to feel like I really had this experience of coming back to a core part of me, finally, and in a strong way ~ just makes me cry writing this, thinking of that. I am SO grateful to Cindy and Anna Renault for this opportunity. And I realized after I sang ~ Cindy just knew that I said I sang. So she asked me to do it, to give me a chance, and to give honor to all survivors. But she’s never, ever heard me sing. EVER!  I realized that, and thanked her profusely afterwards. She told people on her Facebook that it was like being at the Kennedy Center. That made me smile. A lot. She said “well, I knew you could sing, you said you could. But I had no idea!” Thank you Cindy, Anna, the people with the Bay Area Shuckers ~ and thank you God, for letting me still be here, explore, play, learn, share and teach, inspire and heal. I am grateful!

So, here’s a video of me singing The Star Spangled Banner (our National Anthem ~ and, yes, isn’t it silly that a song SO challenging is the one they picked for all Americans to sing?!)   Love to hear your thoughts, and thanks for your loving support ~

One of those days when I went to see Felicia on Wednesday. We were having the most amazing conversation. The kind where not a word is spoken, yet volumes are shared. She can’t talk much right now ~ with the stroke/brain bleed, she can barely move. But she’s there, still the most gorgeous and radiant heart and soul that I have ever known……

Sometimes all I do is look at her, and this strange mix of heart joy and elation, to be in such pure communion without words to get in the way of the bond between our hearts and souls, yet tears come and go throughout, weaving like purple threads in a tapestry of love, friendship, survivorship that we have shared these past few years …….

We go deep, when it’s just she and I. Worlds traversed, back and forth, the here and now and talk of the hereafter. I asked how she felt ~ I could feel the depths of this journey, and her readiness to transition at some point. So much wear and tear on this body, this “shell” as she and her beautiful sister Irena call it.

And I asked, if she could choose, what would her next incarnation be? (I really love knowing how others view their journeys, their souls, and honoring that path, her mainly Taoist somewhat Buddhist beliefs hold this space ~ I’m open to it, there’s just times when something seems so very familiar though we can’t explain why…..)

And I said, after a bit, that I sensed her heart and soul so expansive, so clear and pure, that maybe her next evolution and incarnation would be something so vast as just the sky, the love that permeates us all, something magical and beautiful that we all will be able to touch, feel, experience ~ very few people in my life have truly lived their beliefs, walked their talk, as powerfully, gently, potently as she has….

I told her that, that she made a difference in so many ways, often just in her way of being  ~ that made her smile…. the music still playing on her .mp3 player …. and then, the Cosmic DJ served up a big heap of “get your heart even more ready for what’s to come …..”

Wow, did I really need that put so blatantly? Maybe …. poignant, a beautiful song …. just like so many times before, when we met and talked about our diagnoses ~ when she went for that scan and was told it was back and in her brain ~ when she went for her brain gamma knife surgery (and Felicia and Joe, always with amazing senses of humor, took pictures of her with the whole contraption/helmet to secure her head for the surgery, and posted lyrics to David Bowie’s Space Oddity, because she looked like some space astronaut ) ~like the daily living of her days, going to “chemo for life” as she called it ~

Knocking on the doors of heaven so many times since 2005 ~ this time, the door is opening, wider and wider……

So I breathed more deeply, let more tears come ~ and the knowledge of a reality far larger than any one of us can know, meeting us in those places, like “I hear you, this may not change, but I hear you” kinds of feelings, the Cosmic DJ can rock, helping me know that there is more than I know, and just when I can wonder, something, a song, a touch of the wind on my cheek, a sign (literally sometimes, on the highway, an answer to a question….), helping me feel connected when the places in the heart and soul in grief can feel so alone ~

And then she had a moment of nausea from the chemo. Partly intuitive, partly just I know her so well, choose to tune to her when I’m there acutely ~ felt it, snapped to, what do you need? She didn’t say a word, but I felt it ~ got the bed down tilting her head lower, got a cold wet wash cloth (and people, when someone has nausea, or what’s called a “vaso-vagal response”, like I do when they try to do an IV and it doesn’t work, this is a really good way to help someone through nausea, and often circumvent drugs or more severe stomach distress, just FYI) ~ and she smiled, loving and gentle. And I said “you know, you can never hide what you need, I felt you needed something….”

And then, the next song on her .mp3 player, Oh, Cosmic DJ, you’re killin’ me here ~

We laughed at that, the craziness of the synchronicity, simple little things …. and I said “guess there can always be lightness even in the darkest times, a sense of light and play, huh?”

Cosmic DJ just kept spinning……

Lightness, passion in music that makes me move ~ just music that makes you feel ALIVE ~ oh, the juxtaposition ~ or is it? Can we be even more fully alive as we dance in honesty with all that is? Even with serious illness, future death and the dying process?

Love to hear your thoughts ~ allowing for more conscious awareness in your days, how do you notice the Cosmic DJ at play in your life?

And I’m going to see what songs and movies and brushes of wind and random sunshine and rain give me the next context, connection and meaning in my days ~  Cosmic DJ, play on ~ I’m listening…….

Why wait to do what is right?

Hello, a quick post ~ this message came through today, and I posted it on my Facebook ~

How can we best honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.? By BEING LOVE to ourselves, and others. Healing our hearts of wounds, so we can open to others and feel for everyone (including ourselves) more deeply. By thinking before we speak and act. By being change. By bearing witness honestly with compassion and holding space for enlightenment. By taking actions in a peace-filled way, with love and peace as our ground matrix. By releasing judgments, of others as well as ourselves. Treating EVERYONE as equally valuable, important, and worthy. Holding space for justice and shining light on intolerance. Knowing in all we do that another world and future is possible ~ and living as that future, NOW. ~ Aileen Sabira

So, how DO we honor this moment, this man, this speaker for non-violence, truth, change, justice?? Can we live into that future possibility as REALITY, now? Do what it takes to cleanse our consciousness of things that are out of alignment with deeper realities, LOVE, equality, justice? Can we treat everyone with compassion, be the LOVE that we all are needing? How do we engage with things that are not seeming to work, in ways that are held powerfully, lovingly, passionately and compassionately?

And feel free to share as well the quotes from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. that you find most inspirational for you ~

Inviting equitable dialog into the possibilities of peace ~

beauty in devastation and loss/death

I sit on painful edges in this moment. One of the most beautiful people I know, my gorgeous friend Felicia, is clearly beginning her path into dying from lung cancer, as well as complications from treatments. This devastates me. Because she’s so wonderful ~ a gifted artist, an amazingly loving and creative mother, a wonderful wife, a cherished blessing as a friend, an awe inspiring soul who teaches honesty, gentleness, non-attachment, peace, kindness, compassion, and a joy for life in everything she is and does.

And, also, because we have shared so much on this journey ~ as both of us are not only cancer survivors and artists ~ but we were diagnosed with cancer within a week of each other now six years ago. It is challenging to know that our paths are not the same here. It was really hard for her when I chose to go off of Tamoxifen this spring (my last traditional cancer treatment, I am currently running free from that, as long as I can), because I could dare to make that choice. She was on chemo for life as she said, having not only been diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in August of 2005, but having had metastasis and new growth at least twice. Survivor’s guilt, anyone?

One of those times my intuition said I HAD to go to the scan she was going in for with her. But how do you force your intuition on someone? Do you, can you? I don’t think so. We all have our own soul journeys. We can share, engage, but not force. That’s really hard sometimes. And I told her I felt like I needed to be there. And was stunned when I didn’t go, and found that she was told IN the scan, without waiting for a doctor to even review the films, that it was back and in her brain again. And I was the first person to call her when she got that news. I was PISSED that I didn’t go with her, but again, was it my place to control? No, challenging spiritual growth in edges like these….

Why do I share that? Because I’ve been having this strong sick feeling for the past few months, this I.MUST.SEE.FELICIA.NOW!!! kind of feelings. That there was something really wrong. Life has been busy, but we kept trying to connect. I don’t always know why I get these urgings, but I am learning every day to just move, flow, trust, don’t ask questions ma’am, just keep moving ……..

We’ve felt strongly connected before, the closer I am to someone it seems (other than in my healing work, when it is strong, but easier to “shut off” if you will) that this can be a stronger knowing,  a sense, a connection. She and I laughed, when I was down she was up, and vice versa, sometimes hugely within one day. I cherished that deep soul bond. When she said she’d had a few seizures they thought due to meds, and was getting sick to her stomach, I said “oh, well, maybe that’s it” (because I’d told her I was having this feeling that something was wrong, and asked what was going on for her.)

But I knew that wasn’t it. And then I found that she’d had a brain bleed and stroke. It seems now that it was a surgery to put in a port in her brain to bring the chemo directly to her brain that may have caused that. Because ~ what I sensed, didn’t ask into (sometimes it seems so invasive to know so much about others, you know?) was that it was back, bad. That she might not be long in this world . I cried and apologized to her when I visited Wednesday, that I didn’t ask more ~ and said “denial is ugly isn’t it?”  We cried together then. It hurt too much to face that reality ~ and I’m ALL about honesty. Lies can literally make me sick. Hey, I’m human, so here I was, denial it ain’t just a river in Egypt folks…. And the cancer is now in the meninges in her brain. And the prognosis at this point is very bad. Plus, she was temporarily blinded due to surgery, paralyzed in half of her body, can barely speak …..

And this brings me to the point of this inquiry ~ can it ALL be beautiful? Even the most exquisitely painful things, can they be beautiful and good because they are the living of the moment? Can seeing the most gorgeous woman I know in the beginning phases of dying, and she’s only 42 and has a bright 10 year old daughter, can there be beauty even in this? In this living, totally raw to the moment, the pure presence of her breath as she lays in the hospital bed? The tenderness as she works to move her arm, hand stroking the sheets and the pukey pink colored pan she needs to keep nearby, in case the chemo makes her sick again? Seeing the depths of her heart, love, pain, feeling it as I so often can, SO strongly, knowing exactly what she feels (and God, that HURT, to know how much it hurts her to leave this place, to feel all she is feeling right now) Can this too be beautiful, just in the presence of living? And dying?

shot at a butterfly show, this heavenly creature on its way to die

I am reminded of a photo I shot of a butterfly. One of its’ wings ripped partially off, it could only slowly walk away from the people in the butterfly house, I’m sure it was on its way to die ….. raw, painful, and someone said in seeing it “I have never seen something so devastating yet so preciously beautiful”. Can it be this way in life? Can we be willing to witness the fullness of an experience, and find the beauty in it?

I am thinking of this also as Felicia had been strong in a powerful teaching she has brought forth since her diagnosis to live in a place of being “on to smaller and more beautiful things.” Teaching to slow down, relish the moment, find the beauty in whatever is occurring…… is it possible then to do this even here? This teaching on beauty she carries has infused my days since my visit with her Wednesday ~ today, beauty the theme in yoga, a song about beauty on the way in to yoga, a different one on a different radio station on the way out ….. fierce sunlight in between tender droplets of rain, beauty in the now…. she and her teachings with me everywhere as I move with this challenging and painful time ~

And I think of how so many people shy away from death, dying, anything less than fun or happy or whatever they need it to be. People pull back, often stop connecting with someone because they fear the loss they will eventually have and feel (I told her sister well, fine, then everyone misses her NOW, and will someday regret not touching her or visiting later!! She’s still here NOW!)

How we (ALL of us, I can do it too ~ hel-LO sugar, too much e-mail, Facebook, pulling in away from life and people from fears and PTSD pains) can numb  in a myriad of ways to whatever is really occurring for us. The fears of facing death all too prevalent. The ways people pull away, whether judgment, fears. Not being able to handle someone in pain (I can’t tell you the number of really close friends that didn’t even return calls when I got diagnosed) ~ I believe it makes us look at ourselves, and perhaps we fear we wouldn’t like what we would see.

Or that to face the dance with our own mortality in human form would be more than uncomfortable, downright discomforting. That ain’t an easy one, let me tell you ~ I am dancing with that one HARD right now. My therapist said “yes, this could have been you.” BAM! And the next thought I have ~ it could STILL be me, at any moment. Shudders, much deep in the waters on this inquiry , swimming in the depths, dancing in light and the spaces in between ~ And what most of us don’t want to admit ~ it could be ANY of us, at ANY moment. Whether due to cancer, a car accident, MS, you name it …..

What if we were honest? What if there really was beauty in it all? An acceptance of what IS, which can then drop us to what is REALLY real and possible? I believe there is a beauty in that, in slowing down, really, really s-l-o-w-i-n-g *down* and being fully present. So, I am trying to be fully present to what is moving and arising in me around this transition (0kay, let ‘s not sugarcoat it, dying from this world, death, a transition for the soul as there IS a part of us that does not die, more on an experience I had of helping another friend spiritually as she died from cancer in another post) for my most gorgeous friend Felicia. Tears come in waves, often unexpected and unknown. Body wracking, the “ugly” kind as I’ve heard people call it, the kind that makes your nose run and not know where you are for a moment, eyes puffy and tired, physically exhausted (or there again, beauty, because though feelings that intense can be frightening, they are REAL, raw, true, honest.…)

I may not always know fully why, and that is okay. I call it “the cook” ™ ~ we don’t always need to know why, but the task I believe is to be fully present to our experience in the moment. What we need to know will be revealed in time. Not always easy to live into, even while in the exploration and experience of dying ~ I am reminded of a writing by Rainier Maria Rilke I was given right when I was diagnosed ~ it goes something like this: ” Live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers.”

Am I happy that she is dying? Hell no. Do I need to walk with this, be with it, show UP for it, and her, in the best way possible? Yes. Committed to helping hold her gorgeous soul as she makes this transition, helping support her family in that place. I sense that is my part at this time in this. I love her. I am willing. It will at times be hard as hell, tender and bittersweet and filled with love ~ it will be ALIVE, even in helping someone I love dearly die ~ And I believe, in those places of showing up, no matter what it is or how it moves for us, I believe that is one of the most gorgeously beautiful places to live in this world ~

In this New Year, and in honor of beautiful Felicia ~ let’s dare to live into the beautiful in everything, the sacred in every moment, and be bold ~ to love when it seems irrational, to dare to show up and actually touch a dying person’s body and soul, meet their heart and their eyes ~ and maybe, just maybe, we’ll all start learning how to really live ………

This is my most recent poem. I sensed it important to share, that someone could need this message. It also came up twice at least with clients today in healing/coaching sessions. That is often a sign that it needs to be shared with a larger population (note to self: 2012 is the year to get some books published of my poetry!)

It is a message of opening. Hope. Possibilty, beyond divisions. I’m sure there is more in this vein/thread to be delved into ~ yet it is stand alone. Most all of my work is an energy of its own, and very seldom edited, as the healing and energy are in the way it is outpoured.  My poetry handle of “Ms. Rumi” was given to me I gather because my work is intense in many ways, about exploration, emotional work and healing, and most often with a connection and exploration to the Divine. Grateful, Akbar Ahmed (hailed by the BBC as the world’s foremost authority on Islam) said, when he heard me read at a poetry reading of his poetry book “SUSPENDED somewhere between” at the Minas Gallery this summer, YES you ARE a young Ms. Rumi!” (heart smiles)

I shot this abstract at a church in Catonsville, MD

“What If There IS *NO* DIFFERENCE?”

What if there IS no difference?

What if your pain is my pain ~

When you hurt I literally hurt

As you are hit I feel the sting of the fist on my face

Teeth jarred

Blood dripping from a freshly cut lip

Would that change anything?

Would I check that fist before it flew

Think twice before I spoke

Rush to help you as you lay bleeding on the floor?

What if there IS no difference?

What if your joy is my joy ~

When you laugh tears of joy stream down my face

When you smile my face changes

Heart warms, the world looks brighter

Seeing love everywhere I looked…..

Would that change anything?

Would I give a little more

Make more efforts to be kind

Share love and laughter wherever I could?

What if there IS NO DIFFERENCE?

What if all you feel, I feel

All you experienced, I experienced

What if I am you and you are me

And the whole world felt connected

Distance a concept

Not reality ~

What if I saw everything you did…..

Felt your deepest challenges…..

Richest experiences…..

Deepest sorrows…..

Most profound passions…..

Would anything be different?

If there was no you me I them us whatever ~

What if it was only love

Only one big heart and I knew when you hurt and

I DID SOMETHING BECAUSE I HURT TOO

Could it happen?

Will we see

Someday

That there really IS

*NO* DIFFERENCE?

(c) 12/14/2011, Aileen Sabira (Geraghty), All Rights Reserved

www.AileenSabira.com

Please do not share without all information intact, thank you

So ~ I had to go to the endodontist. See, I damaged a tooth on the fourth of July. Yes, you read that right. A month back. You may wonder why the wait? Well, I’ve never not had dental insurance before. I wasn’t sure what to do, how to proceed. And due to many circumstances, I lost my health insurance as of 6/30. I know, what a cosmic whack. But, to be clear, I actually didn’t have dental insurance for 2 years prior. Oh, my card said I did, whenever I called the recordings and people at the health insurance company said I did ~ but after many efforts to get verification (years), it seems I didn’t. Their error. Oh well ~ So, that timing may not be quite so, well, bizarre? ominous? as it sounds ~

So, while I teach listening to the heart and intuition, gosh, I’m still human. I can fumble sometimes. And when I heard “make some home made ice cream” as I settled in to watch TV after the fireworks on the 4th, I got lazy and said “I’ll just eat these chocolate covered almonds, oh, that melted and hardened again” (cue foreboding music)….”and I’ll only eat 3, need to watch that sugar”…..#2 CRACK! OW! But what to do? No health insurance? I was at a loss….

So ~ I prayed, I mastered the art of smoothies and over cooking food. And while I made calls around, finding low cost dental care (not so easy), trying to get into various places to make appointments ~ I learned to chew on one side of my mouth. I was actually getting really good at it. But I got an infection, had to start antibiotics, and just knew I couldn’t go on this way forever …….

The clinic I was seen at gave me a referral to University of Maryland Dental School. They’ve got loads of specialties, and are less expensive because they’re a school. I remember working in the massage clinic in school. And most of the people were really good there, so I figured why not?

I was practically giddy on the way there. While I know sometimes the laughter is a bypass, to hide fear, some was just pure good fun. I was bolstered by prayers and love of friends, and friends responded to my query “songs to get a root canal to” on my Facebook page ~ “The first cut is the deepest”, “comfortably numb” “I wanna be sedated” to name a few. That last one was my fave, reminded me of all my friends at old Garden Spot High School in the ‘80s swarming the dance floor to go crazy dancing…….”hey ho, let’s go, hey, ho, let’s go…….”

The people were nice at the clinic. The endodontist an intriguing person to talk to, and seemed really honest. But when I got in there, there are no words for how painful it was. Searing, sharp, intense come to mind. Pull me off the ceiling, drag me out of the cave I just crawled into kind of hurt. He had to pull, poke, prod, push, on a very painful tooth. I remembered the breathing work I’m learning in yoga, and thought “pranayama in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 out 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 “. The anxiety began to subside, the recoiling began to unfurl from my hands, arms and legs…..

As I sat with tears rolling down my face, something began to cook. Amazed….How in the world did I manage for a whole month with such excruciating pain? Did I wall it off somehow (obviously that’s a yes.) A skill I’ve had for a long time, while deeply sensitive, there are things I can just disassociate from in some ways. Long developed as a survivor (long before even breast cancer) of PTSD ~ abuse, bullying, beating that went along with the bullying. And I had no idea what to do. I hoped patience would help me find the answer. But still, how is that managed?

And then ~ thoughts lead to thoughts, contemplation and rumination. And I wondered ~ where else have I done that? Just said “it’s okay, I can live with this, if I make all these adjustments to get around this big problem, it’s really okay?” When maybe it’s not. Barely tolerable. Or worse. And how often do so many people do that? Just get by. It’s okay. I can deal……

He talked of all the options. Said even with a root canal he can’t guarantee we can save the tooth. I had a 50/50 chance of losing the tooth….still shaken from pain, there was something, I felt unsettled, couldn’t make up my mind no way……while I tried to get to my heart, I just couldn’t…..And then, the endodontist said….wait, here it comes….”You know, why don’t you go home if you’re not sure? Sleep on it. Because sometimes when I don’t know what to do, if I sleep on it, I just know whether the procedure I did the day before was right, or I get ideas about my patient I’ll be seeing…..I don’t know, call it the Universe or whatever, but there’s something bigger than me, it’s like I get a download at night and I know what to do. So, why don’t you go home, we can still get you in as an urgent appointment tomorrow. We can try the root canal, if it doesn’t work, we can still get you down to get the tooth surgically removed…” Yes, wouldn’t be like me to go into something and always have a spiritual bent, right?

Okay. Breathing space. Time to be with my heart, come to peace with whatever just got triggered. Though I was scared, I thought I knew what was happening. Root canal expected. Though I had no idea really what a root canal entailed ~ it’s all so mysterious, all you ever hear is “gee, that was more fun than a root canal” in snarky negatives. So really they can’t be good, right? Or at least that’s the prevailing belief. But I wasn’t quite prepared for a “just pull my tooth” scenario…..

And I realized as I left, well, it feels so sudden. So final. Pull it, no other options. Once and done. Bam. That’s it.

And then I stopped. Oh my God. That’s what I felt when I had cancer. Rush, hurry, make a decision. So much push from fear, “why aren’t you willing to just lose your breast?” “you’ll need to get over losing it, reconcile with that, just face it”. “You’d better hurry…..” Well, what if I don’t want to? What if there are other options? That PTSD, so sneaky ….

As I went to run some errands with my house mate, at the first stop, trying to decide would I just go back in the car and get the darned tooth pulled TODAY ~ I went to use the restroom, walked out of the store, and just stopped. Stunned. Couldn’t breathe. Oh. Wow. I have a 50/50 chance of losing something. The last time I heard that was when I talked about my staging with my medical oncologist. “Yeah, you have a 50/50 chance of being alive in 5 years. Let’s not talk about that now, you did well in treatments (I didn’t get my actual staging until I was almost done with treatments)” Wow.

So, I took a deep breath. I realized there was (as always) a lot more going on than what seemed to be on the surface. So, a little time to sort it out would be good. Time to rest, pray, process. I’ve dealt with this pain for a month. One more night shouldn’t kill me. I still don’t know what the outcome will be. Do we ever? But I am more clear about the other levels going on in this experience. It’s an ongoing process, for all of us I believe, to really stay aware and present to all that happens on all levels. We must live and embody what we teach……

I did more research tonight. Learned more about why it may not be a good idea to just pull the tooth without trying to work with it first…patience does work to give options, breathing space ….. so ~ I won’t know what will happen, whether the tooth will make it (or me!) ~ but I’m clearer now to be present just to this, without other triggers or memories…..

So ~ I leave you with this ~ where might you be saying something is okay, when maybe it’s not? Where is there pain or discomfort (on any level, not just physical, also emotional, spiritual, psychological, energetic) that you have been guarding, blocking, shielding? It may call you to action once you are present with a deeper level of experience. Which is good. “Let me LIVE while I live”. And with that ~ when you are conscious ~ is there a reminiscence of some other experience much the same in that blocking? Just let yourself open, be aware, to what else your heart may be calling you to know, to experience, to be more conscious of, to let go of….

I’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings ~ every blessing and all love ~ Aileen Sabira

Oh, btw ~ if you need help exploring those edges, I assist people in diving deeper to themselves ~ all love ~

Related show

• Artist: Aileen Sabira
• Date: Sunday, August 7th 2011
• Time: 11:00am
• City: Aileen Sabira in Silver Spring, MD
• Venue: Takoma Park Metaphysical Chapel
• Address: 10000 New Hampshire Avenue, Silver Spring MD, 20903 (Auditorium 8 / Chapel at the Meany Center, also known as the National Labor College)
• Venue phone: 301.587.7200
• Country: United States
• Admission: $0.00
• Age restrictions: All Ages
• Box office: 301.587.7200
• Notes: Hi ~ I am singing some chants from various traditions at this church (lovely venue!). I didn’t list it earlier ~ because I had a tooth pulled a few days ago! But my guidance says to go and sing ~ hope to see you there ~
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